.this is what you get when you go on facebook.

Who am I to question what you’ve become when I myself am unsure of what I’m becoming.

To my dear old friend, I wish you much happiness and I’m sorry for all the ridiculous questions about you I’ve asked in my head; never to your face.

.forgive but who ever said forget.

Would you forgive a cheater? And if you do, would you keep it so close to your heart that with every move your person made, you second guess things and your heart clenches with pain and regret?

Sometimes I feel that when people say ‘no, definitely not’, they haven’t thoroughly think the situation.

Um. I’m suppose to be studying btw.

.I wish.

1. To eat assam laksa now
2. To be able to wear heels
3. To have a Longchamp bag
4. To play with a cat
5. To beat M in Monopoly Deal
6. To never be lazy
7. To have constant supply of Starbucks coffee
8. To go to USA
9. To cook all the foods in my cupboard
10. To graduate (and if you’re wondering why this is not top of the list, it’s bcos I can’t bear to wish it as I want it so much it collapses the concepts of wishing and never getting)

.random facts 02.

1. I add mayonaise with my chilli because my sister taught me once and I never looked back.
2. I get scared when things happen so fast so I turn to denial and avoid looking at it until it’s too late
3. Sometimes I say sorry to avoid the fight but I don’t mean it
4. When I sleep, I think of other people because if I think of me, I think of all the wrong things I did and I can’t sleep
5. I love too-hot showers.
6. My neck is constantly aching ever since I slept at Southend
7. I worry I have cancer
8. I wish I’m closer to God
9. Unlike most people, I can’t go on and on looking at the computer screen without getting a headache
10. When I was 14, I would crawl inwards into a ball and wish to disappear for awhile. That feeling comes back even now.

You’re fine alone. You’ve been fine all along.
But you hate it because you’ve gotten used to another person and you hate it how you’re actually not fine.

.smoggy head.

This weekend was good. Why? Prolly because my friday went well. Did it make such a big impact? I supposed it did.

I’m stuck in a rut lately. It seems like an eternal rut of depression. And I know I shouldn’t be in the rut. I know there are a lot more people who are in a lot more trouble than I am, who are more deserving to be depressed.

Yes, yes, I know. But it doesn’t get me out of my rut, my hole, this thing.

It doesn’t finishes my essays or do my requirements or settles my patients. It doesn’t prepare me more towards final or make me think about my future. It’s just there, looming unbearably behind me, sitting crushingly on my back.

This weekend was good. I went to the dental ball. I went to the London Philharmonic Orchestra. I had lunch with my best friends. I learnt what’s it like to mingle, what people meant when they say ‘wait till she’s drunk and dancing’. I found out where Royal Festival Hall is and that they sell brownies and tuna sandwiches. I also found out that you don’t clap for the orchestra until the conductor had brought his stick down and all the instruments had rest.

I realised that although your best friend is shy about wanting you to help him move; when you go to his house anyways, there is this smile in his eyes and it makes you feel it’s good to have friends.

I also learnt that when people say they’re busy, they are. That things happen because you have work.

That there’s a reason why you’ve promise yourself over and over again not to have high expectations. Because the letdown is such a blow and there’s nothing you can do except suck it up.

.Wish of the day: Smooth-sailing finals.

.matcha ice cream.

OK. So I won’t talk about how uni life is bringing me down. How I think my tutor hates me and that I’m getting nowhere with my finals case, how I think I’m regressing rather than progressing and how could that be when I’m graduating in 2+ months?, how even with favourite tutors they’re telling me to stop screwing up, how I had curled up into a ball over the weekend and M wasn’t home much and how it was really torturous to get out of bed and face people – oh wait, sorry, I think I’ve just word-vomited on you.

What I really wanted to talk about was that I found some green tea ice cream at Umai, Startfield (that’s my lazy version of Westfield, Stratford) and that it’s defrosting on my table atm.

And also that I’m 3 soaps short of buying the whole soap collection from Lush.They’re all hanging haphazardly in my room somwehere and showering is fun because I’m thinking about which to use.

By the way, my favourites are Porridge, The Godmother and Sexy Peel. I was pretty disappointed with Figs and Leaves. I don’t think I’ll ever buy Dirty because why would you want to smell like toothpaste?

I’ve also used Rub Rub Rub (like salt but amazing smell), even to shampoo and it makes my hair feels so soft and I hope it doesn’t damage it because my hair is damaged enough and people are telling me to head over to the hair saloon please, Sarah you’re looking like a cavewomen.

Anyways. What I really wanted to write about is a patient I saw today – who was wonderful and gave me flowers even though we’ve only met and would only meet today. She invited me to stay over her apartment while she goes on holiday and I was touched and amazed at how nice people can be.

Although if you know me, you’d know I was actually very suspicious and was thinking about many doubtful things. I’m a horrid person that way, or guarded, however you want to put it.

I’ve been putting off searching for a place for my family to stay during graduation because I’ve stopped thinking of graduation because when I think about it, I also ended up thinking about how much more work there is to do and whether I have enough time to finish my cases and whether I would still be sane in June.

I also got a free ticket to this year’s dental ball. And couldn’t make up my mind if I should go or not. Is the 3 course meal really worth it and would I be forced to dance? The worst bit was because Mel and Amir will not be there and what’s the point of a dental gathering if your best friends are not there.

In the end, I said yes. I’ll go to the ball. I’ll stop obsessing about my patient. I’ll haul my whole lot of Lush soap home. And I’ll be eating half a tub of this ice cream now. Happy Tuesday, people.

Sometimes, I th…

Sometimes, I think God is angry at me.

There are times when I get so angry and frustrated, I’m blinded at the small blessings God placed on my journey.

.goodbye old debit card, you were so good to me.

Finally, I got my right arm back.

.do not push me.

You know that bit where you’ve bypassed your tolerance level? Where no amount of ‘breathe, just breathe’ or thinking of silly bouncing cats in your head would help? Where you’ve used up all your willpower from stopping yourself of screaming like a madman and pulling the hairs of the person standing in front of you?

I’m not trying to be selfish. But really. I’ve been sharping my nails to scratch your eyeballs out.